Highs and Lows: On the Lows of Situational Depression

This post isn’t about bass; although my life certainly mirrors sound waves sometimes. This a personal post on how I am shifting my perspective on what has been a very “low” point in my life.

As of my WordPress stats, I get approximately 1 view every few days. That’s hardly a reason to keep up an image of awesomeness as this blog’s purpose isn’t to earn me money, but to express myself. It has- and always will be- an outlet of who I am- on things I want to share for the random person who Googles a random collection of words or the random friend who remembered the name of this blog and may be going through a similar situation themselves.

I read a piece by James Altucher, about real life’s “up and downs”; how unlike it is to Facebook’s constant stream of “awesome” statuses.

This resonated with me (and inspired this piece). It also brought back a memory of one of my former roommates, sharing her feelings on her friend’s sudden suicide: “He was always so happy. His Facebook looked perfect. But we all know Facebook. It isn’t real life.” It’s worth emphasizing twice: Facebook isn’t real life.

2015 has, so far, hit me quite hard in a few respects. And only a select few know about it. The irony is that I am writing all of it out now, but even those select few won’t be reading this blog.

This is not a post for sympathy. It’s for me; feeling courageous enough to paint a public picture of how I feel in the face of so much “positivity fluff” that invades the net.

This is what’s happened in my life, and if you can relate, please feel free to comment: my mother died unexpectedly in January, my relationship ended with my long term girlfriend in February, and my music and business ventures, which I quit my job to pursue full time in August 2014, have not been profitable. As I have not had income beyond living expenses for the past few months, my savings are at risk. In addition to this, I was hit with an extortionate medical bill just days ago; posing a substantial dent to what I have left (edit May 2015: this bill was minimized and savings are still in tact).

All of these things have contributed to bouts of depression. And in some way, I’m glad. Up until now, I’ve never understood why people were depressed. I still don’t understand, but I now know what it feels like. Or rather, how it feels to lay on the floor for an hour with absolutely no desire to get up. And in the first attempt to get up, to feel as if my entire body is on another planet of 3 times the gravity, and having it crash back down.

Being around loving, positive, and supportive friends and family got me out of that hole. They took the weight of my shoulders. After about a blurry week of whipslapped emotions, I got back on my continuing effort toward my goals. However, they are still hitting bumps, and I don’t have a personal cheerleader saying “Yes you are awesome” [edit- besides Wheeltracks]

And while much of the depression has now subsided, I do notice this ever sticky label of “Unsuccessful” I seem to have smacked on myself some time ago. I keep pulling it a little bit every day, but I can’t quite tug it off yet.

I’ve been climbing the proverbial mountain for what feels like the entire duration of my twenties and it’s gotten quite steep over the last year. It may because I’m approaching the summit. Or perhaps there is no summit. Either way, these events have helped me look less on the targets, and where I want to go, and more on my perspective, and where I am now.

When my Mom died, the person I was staying with at the time said “you’ll become a lot stronger because of it”. Now, I don’t think I was any weaker in 2014. But what these last few months have done for me is, after quite a few blows, is notice there’s still strength left. It’s helped me reconnect with two essential choices.

On the choice of attitude:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Viktor Frankl

On the choice of gratitude:

“It could always be a lot worse”

Anonymous

The shift in mindset is easier said than done; no doubt. It’s not all dandelions and dragonflies. The choice takes strength.

Currently reading:

http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl-ebook/dp/B009U9S6FI/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1426091833&sr=1-1&keywords=a+man%27s+search+for+meaning


and


http://www.amazon.com/The-Practicing-Mind-Developing-Discipline/dp/1608680908

Currently Listening: